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Tuesday, 03 November 2009

  • Irish jokes

    A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest,
    'I almost had an affair with another woman..'

    The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

    The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
    But then I stopped.'

    The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
    You're not to see that woman again.

    For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

    The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked
    Over to the poor box.

    He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

    The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
    'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

    The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box,
    And according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

    ~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

    There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
    Upon entering the confessional, she said,

    'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

    The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

    The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad
    Passionate love to me seven times.'

    The priest thought long and hard and then said,
    'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

    The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

    The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
    For company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest
    And asked, 'Father, my dog is dead.
    Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'

    Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal
    In the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin'
    What they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

    Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate
    To them for the service?'

    Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!
    Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    And my favorite:

    An elderly man walks into a confessional... The following conversation ensues:
    Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children,
    Grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls,
    hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

    Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

    Man: 'What sins? '

    Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

    Man: 'I'm Jewish!'

    Priest: 'Well, why are you telling me all this?'

    Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

Monday, 26 October 2009

  • When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him,  
    And during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?

    'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.

    Jane explained to him what sex was.

    Tarzan said '0h ....Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

    Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'

    She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.

    'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

    Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

    Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.

    Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'

    Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel..'

Sunday, 25 October 2009

  • Two guys are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

    They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

    The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

    The first hunter says "There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

    So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

    They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

    As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumped in head first.

    While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

    The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

    The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

Friday, 23 October 2009

  • "As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."
     
    "Well, Angus," said the Englishman, “at my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

    "Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said the Irishman, "back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!"

    The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

    “Did this actually happen to you?"

    "Not meself, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.”     
      

Thursday, 22 October 2009

  • THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

    My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
    seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

    As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
    told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'

    On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
    Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.  'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

    She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

    To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied , without missing a beat,

    'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
    Tray -up, Bitch'


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